The Justice Network
Humor
doing what lawyers do best, blowin’ smoke...
Lawyers are like backsides, everybody has one,
and they are all a little stinky
The defendant who pleads their own case may have a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
~ Marge Simpson
Welcome to the Hamster For President Campaign, where peace, truth, tolerance and
non-violence are our goals and all the candidates are warm and fuzzy all over!
Are you sick of Washington politics? There is good reason to be. The world "politics" comes from the Latin poly for "many," and "ticks," small, blood-sucking insects. As
hamsters, we want no more of that!! The hamster candidate is, in other words, a complete outsider to politics as we know it.
Hamsters are not competing to become leaders. They don't claim to be qualified to "rule" anyone. On the contrary, they believe that there should be no leaders and no
followers. We're all equal!
If you are old enough to vote, you are old enough to govern yourselves. And under a rodent administration, that's exactly what you'll do.
Liberate yourself! Vote Hamster!!!! Read more here
Lawyer Joke Collection
Willie Fockme Florida Lawyer
Do lawyers lie? It may be a refutable presumption
How many actual lawyer jokes are there?
Only two. The rest are all true stories!
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?" The lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."
An elderly woman went to a lawyer to make out a will. After she was done she handed the attorney a $100 bill. After she had left the attorney discovered that stuck to the first bill was another $100 bill. This raised a difficult moral and ethical question for the lawyer: Should he or should he not tell his partner?
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc... While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
A fellow at a bar stands up during happy hour and yells out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
The bar quiets down, another guy pipes back, "I resent that!"
The first fellow then ask, "What, are you a laywer?"
The second fellow responds, "No, I'm an asshole."
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir,you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither driver is hurt. It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either, however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?", the doctor wonders.
"After the police get here.", replies the lawyer.
Lawyers Are Liars (Hank Williams, Jr. soundtrack)
What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead animal in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the animal.
Three surgeons were sitting around talking and the first one says: "The easiest people in the world to do surgery on is the Germans; you open them up and
everything is in its proper place, at its proper size and everything is aligned precisely."
The second surgeon interrupted and said: "The easiest people to do surgery on is the Japanese; you open them up and everything is color
coded."
The last surgeon said: "You guys got it all wrong. The easiest people to do surgery on are the lawyers. They only have two moving parts, a mouth and an asshole, and they're interchangeable."
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
Did you hear that they are planning to stop using rats in laboratories and start using lawyers? They're more of 'em and there are things a rat just won't do.
Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first choice.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a wheelbarrow full of shit? A: The wheelbarrow.
Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.
Q: What is a lawyer's ideal weight?
A: About five pounds, including the urn.
Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A. Accountants know they're boring.
Q: Why should you swerve to avoid hitting a lawyer on a bicycle?
A: That bicycle might be yours!
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